Bring back the ushers!

I read this article about an unfortunate couple who were pepper sprayed by a cop for using a cell phone in the theater.

local6.com - News - Two Pepper Sprayed Over Phone Call At Fla. Movie

Now, under normal circumstances, I would applaud such behavior. Many times I wish I had some mace to use on annoying theater patrons. In this instance it sounds as if the cop might have acted inappropriately. But really, that is neither here nor there. The article just reminded me about how I hate going to the movie theater these days.

I can handle the high ticket prices and the ridiculous snack & beverage prices. I mean, that popcorn is practically gourmet, right? And the sodas are always free refills. But really, who wants to leave the theater to get a refill, just so you have to leave a few more times to use the restroom after drinking 15 gallons of Cherry Coke. One $8 bucket of soda is enough for me, but thanks for the offer!

What I can't handle are the other people in the theater. It seems that "movie etiquette" is a thing of the past. It seems very simple to me. Shut up and watch the movie. If its funny, laugh. If its scary, scream. If its sad, let the tears roll. But if it makes you want to tell your friend something, try to remember to do it after the movie. If you ABSOLUTELY must comment on the movie, do so in a quiet whisper. If your friend doesn't hear you, chalk it up as a loss. No need to repeat. Also, you should limit your verbal interactions to less than three per movie.

Cell phones. Its another simple concept. Turn them off. If you absolutely MUST leave it on for some reason, switch it to Vibrate. This is a simple function usually accomplished by hitting the down arrow on the left side of most cell phones. If the call you are expecting comes in during the movie, quietly exit the theater before talking. Everybody in the theater already knows what movie you are watching and they don't want to hear you confirm it to your friend who just wants to know what you are up to.

Text messaging during a movie might seem like a quiet solution, but the problem is that most phones now have very bright screens which can be distracting to others around you. But I do like the idea of a text message coming in (on vibrate) that says "Hey I know you are at the movies, go into the lobby and call me back."

Another problem with theaters - somebody is always sitting behind me. For some reason that person behind me never grasps the concept that if they are kicking my chair, I feel it. Its annoying. To the person who must kick my chair: one of these days I'll turn around and mace you. Keep that in mind while your feet flail around for no good reason. Perhaps that was really what set that cop from the article over the edge.

Kick... kick... kick... *ring* - MACE!

Many of these issues could easily be resolved if the theaters would do one simple thing.

Bring back the ushers!

If I'm in a theater, it shouldn't be my responsibility to go find somebody who works there to come quiet a loud patron. My movie experience should be just that. An experience. A GOOD experience (depending on the movie). Keep an usher in the theater like they keep air marshals on a plane; Equipped to handle a situation should one arise, but not to be noticed unless needed. As patrons we are paying a lot of money for our movie experience, the least the theaters could do is keep an usher in each showing to make sure we get our money's worth.

Is that too much to ask?  Better yet, when you go to a movie, keep in mind that some people are actually there to SEE THE MOVIE.  So please, pay attention to those first few screens at the intro of the movies that politely ask you to turn off you cell phones and please don't talk during the movie.  Because hey, if you don't, you might just get maced.